The Propagation

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May 15, 2005

the TWO things (& why do I almost exclusively cop in multiples of 2 these days?)

“Oh, why might it be different this time d-boy daddy-o?”

— A Deathtime Story by The Dange
N.B. I do deliver the data. Did you doubt?

1 - Precisely because it’s not a climactic-dramatic Down-Deep-In-The-Damaging-Dumps-Disaster-and Destruction-Deliver-The-Delinquent-From-Delerium-To-Dawn type situation.
[ed.note:I’ve said it gefore and I’ll say it again, just to be doubley-sure and thorough about not risking personal or professional embarrassment: this little alliterative tic, as daftly demonstrated above, hehe, just may be the sole way in which the drug conflicts/contradicts with this user’s personality, and forces him to do things he would not ordinarily or otherwise do, and for which he remains mindful, self-conscious, and duly silly for the next day and beyond, depending on the severity of that particular episode. In other words, yo, that’s the crack talkin’ man.]

I have a nascent (i.e./more like unproven) theory, previously broached paperwise, that those big motivating moments are cheating and artificial anyway. When they fade, the reasons to toe the squiggle fade, too. A guy’s gotta want to change the daily grind, the pattern, has to destain and desist even the relatively harmless soirees, the outings not so bad, the dilly-dally. When it ALL has to stop, it can all then stop. I’m there. Plus/But in a way that’s lower than I’ve ever been. Like that old grade school joke lead-in: What’s lower than low? Grosser than gross? Me. I have arrived. But in a continual, can’t just write off a bad night, or one bad choice kind of way. Take work as one benchmark. I’ve underperformed plenty. But never to the point of tension with the bosses and their having each other “keep an eye on me” (don’t think I had the energy to write that one up, just that it was kinda ugly at the end of last week). Financial troubles? I’ve got them. Before it was a hell of a lot of wasted dough, but never major debt. Never just not paid a bill and had a service shut off. Never before possessed continuously visible damage to my physical body (exterior) (thumb). Never pretty much went a work week without sleeping. Those were vacation days before. Never had a hard time getting high/smoked to feel normalish, interested, etc. And so on. and on and on and on. Time out! But with not catastrophic precipitating event. I think that’s key. And ironic key. And we are the Irony Gen/Gin.

2) document.write.this.rightHere == “The Other”;

A Quick Disclaimer: I kinda snottily disdain some/much of the blog phenom. They’re often better than the original version: Here Is My Home Page! Come to it. Look at it. Link to it forevermore…But there’s alot of boredom still, a lot of ego, a lot of reasonless uselessness, a lot of just plain simple general disregard for humanity (yeah, in blogging, man!), a lot of desperation and lostedness, and weak signals from the Identity Relay Tower, a lot of “hey, lemming do one too, can I do one? can I make it like yours? i like yours. and now i count too. count pagehits, unique visitors, transfer bytes, XML’ed bits of technocorporation. There’s sheer excess. There’s blunt sillyness….So, naturally I’d be reluctant, and then goofy feeling inside, and not more than a bit embarrassed. But it fits here and now, and it’s a good idea, my idea for how it might work and why. And, hey, I realized in the process of investigation that I’ve been rockin’ a (totally rockin’) DIY homebrew blog for over 3 years now? (I’m not good with these things, memories.) with a fancier concept and (if fancier minimalism computes) presentation scheme. So there. I’m a veteran. I’m OG. Or, not quite…

[Quick Drug Check-In: I totally just thought my phone was having an epileptic seizure. I mean, I keep it on vibrate and I figured somebody was calling, but it was a seizure (no, not a vibrating phone nor a sex toy nor a communitcative sex toy device with Bluetooth technology… that it recalled. At this point, this binge is not out of the ordinary. Aww shucks, I’d even go so far as to say it’s downright old hat. And I feel okay. But the visual disturbances are…well…disturbing. There’s little to no call for that kind of behavior, you eyes. That’s what I say anyway. But plead your case little necessary ones. I see a possible in on the cumulation tip.]

Harkening back to the earlier complication post, I feel like I could really nuance out a fanning of diferentially shaded reasons surrounding the blog-dive I’m taking but I’ll attempt instead to challenge myself with a simple, uncluttered line of logic. Basically? Two reasons for reason number 2: It’s an activity that I will enjoy for both it’s writing and techinical aspects, and maybe the marketing/promotional ones, too. And it’s and activity that is big. Quite big. So, it’ll take a lot of time and be fun—a good big crucial help, I think (and hopey Hopi hope with a hope’on for quit success, and a fear of returning to and miring in that touristy doubledeckered hop’on, hop’off the wagontrain cycle). A distraction. With goals (ends, things needing to be accomplished). That I enjoy and have fun with (and which has a variety of interesting aspects so don’t get bored). That needs a lot of work, so it’ll keep me busy. That will end with an accomplishment that I’m proud of, and a product that I’ve wanted anyway (I’ve long long planned to key-in the notebooks—for one, just to have them like that, two, the sort of forced structured review of that material to see the whole and better understand the experiences individually—as they relate or not, differ or resonate, with the others—and collectively as a whole, for the big picture, the large format, the panorama, the IMAX. But also, and probably more importantly (despite that folksy, meritously understanding-motivated rationale I just outlined, and the ego-y, superficiality, and externalized valuing involved in this next one…), in order to evaluate (after time, at a distance, and as a whole) it’s worth/quality/stand-alone-contextless value, and from there look to see if there might not be a book (or several) embedded in that material and, if (maybe) so, try to get a sense of what kinds of shapes, sizes, and angles might it lend/bend itself to, and from there I would be better equipped to make decisions and judgements—very crucially important to me—surrounding those issues and possibilities. I have really wanted to get started on that keying-in opportunity, as, another thing! once it’s electronic it affords you the opportunity to repurpose and organize the stuff in many overlapping, interconnected, and with a nhber of variances. (You can do that cumbersomly in Word and the like, but the better bloggers like Movable Type are CMS tools built for kind of flexible, scaleable content deployment—a not insignificant push behind the upgrading I’m in the midst of now.). And that maybe, just maybe, will lead toward or help me with or motivate me toward other opportunities for writing and publishing (no unrealistic, or even realistic, hopes pinned up there on that air-headed lofty naive showcasing of one thing; but, even if I continue on with that weak and fading thought that it, of publication that it could happen, that will also help drive and motivate me—yes, self-trikery is cool AND humble. This little extended self-assignment is, as well, something that I’ll learn from. That I can do at home. That doesn’t cost money. That doesn’t put me out on the streets or in a bar, or around people that might enable me or drive me to smoke. etc. etc.etc.

All of all that is all good, well, and fantastimongo, but it’s only the half of it at most and at best, and only on a good day. Because the partner component is that I’m writing about the problem, expressing myself, working through things (whatever in the world that could mean in real life), figuring out the stuff of it, thinking about it, spending time with it, getting it out, getting it in, pondering it or a bit of it or all the world and my life in it in the process, and all of that is all important, good, well, and healing definitely and just maybe the missing ingredient in previous attempts—the facing head on, the hitting up against it, the examination, the shaping and classifying, opinionating, just talking, talking, writing, writing, letting it move, giving it air, exposure, and sun.

I really resist the idea of writing as therapy (for me, it is and should be first and foremost art rather than therapy, though I do recognize certain legitimate ways that professionals and individuals an gain therapeutic value from it—that I do not deny. It’s when that’s the daily approach, the primary conception of writing, what it is, how it works, and their relationship to it—there, in all that and those realms…chirp) AND I have serious doubts about the value of professional counselling FOR ME. I’ve had a hard time finding someone who took me seriously, who was interested, who seemed to try, who didn’t make me almost bust out in a fit of loud laughter at his or her expense, who wasn’t a tad cliche and predictable. So. There. But then I think maybe I need some externally directed, and formally scheduled and blocked kind of thereapy. Not the ad hoc bar after work kind of therapy. And, well, if I need it I need it. Or could use it, I’m down with it. But who knows what I need? I certainly don’t. I do not claim to be any sort of an expert on myself. And so that’s another part of the problem. I can’t help them becaue I’m so continuously and unavoidable equivocal, and if I don’t understand me, is there anyway they have a spider’s jacket chance in hell? And there’s the search and the money and the stigma and the forms… But if I need it?… Isn’t it all worth it? Yeah, but who knows? I’m not a gambler like that or with that shit…[oops, sorry, i’m rambling]

Answer? Thera-blog! Cheap! Available! Perhaps just as annoying, at lest in the start up phase, possibilties thereafter. I think going through will help me understand my weakness, see my patterns more clearly, feel more intensively the cumulative loss from my using, get a better more accurate long-term balnce sheet and evaluate if necessary.

Less obviously, more subtley, and much more dificult for me to discribe, but the aspect/operation I think may be most impacting, transforming; This one is a real difference, I think. And it’s a bit sota weird so stay with me here: Little BKGRND 1st> My quit strategies and steps, generally fall into one of two totally opposite tactic sets/approaches:: either you do things to assist you, make it easier, help you resist temptation, decrease exposure, do positive healhty proactive things as substitues, etc. and I think that’s all good stuff, but some’s all the prevention does little more than keep my mind on my desire, my lack, my struggle, the effort, and difficulty and lack of fun woven in around all that, and it drives me crazy and I just HAVE to have a cigarette to the point of getting increasingly anxious until I do. It’s not always like that. Sometimes you can use all the help you can get. And it does help, even if only placebotically (yeah, I made that word up just now on the fly, heh). But it backfires (or simply does’ work,or I don’t…whatever) about as often.

The other tactic is the exact opposite and consists of just doing noting at all, don’t think about it, don’t make a big deal out of it, don’t talk aboutit, don’t change your routine, and if you get a craving or temptation simply kick it right out of your head, shoo fly, fshoo. YOu don’t make a big deal of it, so it does’t become a big deal, where as sometimes the more you resist and deal with the desire, the more you are aware of it and let it grow, becaaue, hey, you’re a real smoker and this is suposed to be damn hard, right? I want to earn my ssripes. I want people to know of my great suffering… So, yeah, simple, breezy, whatever. Don’t even give it a second (of) thought. But, then, the drawback to that is, well, a few: you don’t tell your frined so they not only cannot support you in your efforts but they can’t avoid risky behaviors like offering you one, or asking you to buy them a pack or whatever. Also, it might leave you unprepared and/or unpracticed at coping techniques in a crucial moment that caught you unawares and therefore defenseless. Also, and maybe the biggest factor, is that without ay sort of ceremoney, or documentation, or evidence of the war, it might not yet feel started or for real or if those, justnot a big deal. Something you can slip into and out of with inconspicuous ease. And since you have’t tried so much, losing that effort ot a slip is not an inhibiting factor. Okay, this is getting long, sorry…

The Tribology addresses both these pitfalls, by combinging the two extreme and seemingly incompatible tactics, and in a way tha doesn’t defusse them of their power but actually energies them on a new front. Because. Okay, I’m going to try to wrap this up succinctly now and bring it all together without dragging out the drugged out any further.: Tribology is a proactive technique, a simple one, and all-encompassing one, but not superficial, in fact, a root full-on fearless attack, or merely distracting. In other words, it is in all ways the ideal tool and technique. And yet, it has elements of the do nothing technique. Because to begin with, it’s something that you’ve wanted to do forever, for its own sake, and would have eventually done it whether you quit smoking or not. So, it’s actually not a smoking cessation device at all! (Oops, Ikeep saying smoking when I mean that, or crack, or in general, or as a mentaphor [stet].) And it’s not deployed or employed in certain moments of need, i.e. stratigically. It doesn’t consider or respond to temptation. It just always occupies your time,, which itself is a technique but it often fails because it’s constructed, artificial, and even in the beginnign before you’ve run out fo things to do, it felt like and effort. This no. And won’t run out, theoretically, ever! Don’t want to beat a dead horse or anything dead for that matter, so let me just say that the Tribology is a technique that workseffectively on all prevention levels, without dwelling on it, or being in direct (or indirect) conflict with anyting anybuddy. It hits all points, including price, without your ever even admittingyou’re quitting, or doing a damn other thing about the big event. We’ll see how it goes.

Hey, maybe just the mere fact of the massive time I’m guessing it will rquire, Iwill be so sick of the subject I will never want to touch it or be around it again, physically or metaphorically seaking.

Posted by peligrito at May 15, 2005 8:44 PM

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