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July 7, 2005
re treat self to road trip to the island-not-island
Oh, and, finally (advisably?), sent query to friend re having a sleepover at his place while I work on this. But the back content and the system and publishing, etc. (Not a plan to drug away in some little permissive hideout and jobless haven. feel a little stupid asking or having to ask at all, then plus asking him who is especially busy, then three in anticipation of his wanting to know more about the project (I just said “project” nothing else). and more stuff probably.
Also, it’s pretty lame to come back here after a day like today and a day like yesterday. (but then, of course, you know, that’s the kind of day afterwhich you want to relax, forget, treat yourself, and so on.
It’s also days like today that make me want to pull the plug on this whole exercise in utter honesty and full exposure. I don’t mind too much telling somebody that some things are because I’ve been sick. There is a basic truth to that. I do believe that I’m sick. 1. the physical effects cause me health problems and to not feel good, 2. the mental issues that are at the root for this kind of behavior are, considering the beyond “normal” degree of behavior, are beyond the range of “normal” and labelable sick, but also, like the physical aspect, the effects of the drug are exasperating those things, causing others, etc., I’m sure. and 3) addiction (separate from previous) is itself a disease. so, the truth. But, granted, a little misleading in a way. still, for people (the majority) whose business it isn’t, in situations not major or majorly damaged, that’s the extent of the truth they’re privy to. And at first in at the office, I felt okay offering that immediately and then fixing/changing so that it wouldn’t come up again and be okay. but it’s gotten more and more elaborate, been acted out extensively for this friend that has gone to bat for me (betrayal!), and has been, I don’t know, maybe used to get more leeway than deserve. Not sure about that. but when one makes up supporting details, including prescription meds by name, I don’t feel so good… but what do I do? quit smoking crack for sure. want to, try to, will do. but in the mean time? be honest? ideally. and I’d like to do that too, in a way. but boss boy won’t understand. won’t not be super pissed for ever and ever. and the woman? she’ll be less lame about, not sure if she’ll fully understand or sympathize with the necessity (again, it’s the proactive, elaboration directed at her that even I cringe about a little when making a test objective assessment but that was necessary not strictly but in the sense of a short term unfortunate casualty to win the war for myself, my life, to buy me time while I fix things, etc.), but might forgive? might not. she’s loyal. but also, well, if you cross her, or do something major that she disagrees with majorly, she will be the oppossite whatever that mean. basically, she could go the way of boss boy. the many other friends I’ve used this on? etc. the longer it goes, the harder to pull off, the more of a lie, the more it will be difficult, and awkward, and hurtful when/if ever come to light, admitted, faced up to, discovered, whatever.
Posted by peligrito at July 7, 2005 11:15 PM
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