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June 11, 2005
No Tee Hee
*** needs organizing, this is just to get it all down first, and then work on it ***
Dizzy from the dirs and from the curse. Wasted me, wasted days. Extreme so. God.
But gotta get it out how ever can. So this, unlease it comes under post-xpo-drafto, this sesh doesn’t promise to be in order, proportional, making sense of self, or any of the rest and beyond.
What seems more unlikely, smoking better part of a di in quick couple-three goes and few minutes-minutes later popping two No-Doz (caffiene pills) to keep from nodding right off, then again 15-20 minutes later, reuppping with two more No-Doz because none of it is doing jack.
OR
Being awake for a week straight? Yeh. I do well keeping track on pulp-based and magnetic media, put little effort to the nervous cellular medium and even if did, it doesn’t put much effort back, so short of consulting the expansive booklets, I’d have to say that *I’m pretty sure* I just reached a personal best (fell into deeper foxholes), and interestingly, it was relatively easy and trauma & drama minimal. That first epic mega spin in N. (primary in spawning all this archivo’ing) was, well, epic, and difficult, and crazy—impressive to and felt keenly by even me. Now, longer to new longitudes (admittedly with breaks scattered through the way work days do), but feeling fairly good, all things considered. More on the comeback re: the hallmarks this time, short blitzes here and there. It’s right now 30 minutes from Sunday. Last time I was asleep in a bed was last Sunday, ‘bout 3pm.
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Financial worries are mounting (um, as, well, you know, financial irresponsibility mounts). Don’t know total debt, but last I was at the bank (Fri), the checking was sporting a big fat zero and the overdraft its limit of $2500, and thus refused to give me any more. So, too, right out one of the credit cards—there are three to choose from, each with some balance only God and Arthur Anderson have an inkling of—and swiped the bitch for a chunky cash advance. Now, that’s the kind of thing I don’t like to do, and thus don’t do. Or, didn’t…
Fairly acute sensitivity to that today didn’t stop me from buying a $65 hand-knitted (gorgeous!) sweater for M.’s baby shower. Keen on getting something good for all she’s done for me, and a little also for the difficulty I’ve been of late, and, too, I like to give nice gifts. Really enjoy shopping for gifts, but am really to some degree pathological about shopping for myself. Almost bought the $120 tiny mink blankey but it was classic baby blue, they’re surprizing themselves on the gender, and I didn’t know their degree of tradition-following in the gendered color-coding of infants.
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Q: Who goes to a yuppy baby shower with lots of crack and not one, but two, crack pipes in his or her pocket?
A: I do.
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Feeling kind of shitty, whatever I said about relative good shape earlier.
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Sum Nums..
…
oh man i feel pukey and shaky and tired and determined to get core things down to flesh later before gthey lost…
…
Purchases made beween Friday evening and thisvery moemnt:
+4 on the bloc (, followd by a little linger chill with the boys—every se\cond counts.
)
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Last two-three days, as often as not, it has feelt like I’ve been (physically, not some creatively obtuse metaphor, samit) wearing a hat.
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Definitely nodding here, but ressisting and not wanting to give in (despite how exhausted and bad back hurts) for fear of not sleeping deep and steady enough to block my noticing while not entering these here (blocking some noticing).
…
And then as if on cue, I wake up 15???minutes later in same sitting-against headboard position. Still nauseated but less so. And can’t really complain, considering what I’ve put the ol’ body through. Why, the accelerated tooth decay along…
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& was wondering, after all that, what finally did it, what made me suddenly feel so shitty? the baby shower snack food overconsumption? the rapid-fire four pills of caffience? the sleep-dep? the crack? all of it? none of it? It was getting worseyer and worserser and all I wanted was one or both of the things that always comfort me—tobacco and crack—but was afraid to have either one as they are also the things that make me feel shitty and both have triggered nasty naughty heave-alongs. but then I just did it. lifted the glass to glad lips. like it was nothing. and it wasn’t really. and, —here’s the sad punch line—it didn’t put me over the edge to throw-up land but just fixed me up good, made me feel all better again. my god, it’s one thing when it feels psycho, but that instant and dramatic a physical response? but i don’t think it has anything to do with physical addiction, actualy. I’m sure it doesn’t. just the physical effects. Calmed my stomach like novacaine.
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just found this on my computer. it’s the contents of a file called “neoLogitCore.log” at the root. stumbled over it in my clean up. and for various foggy reasons almost feel like i may have written it in a channeling something-someone trance. but I don’t think that’s the case. it’s mysterious though, and funny. and don’t just see a few bits of computer-type gobley-google and not see what I’m talking about:
“
Maybe a trojan or virus.
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face numb at points fri (when resting, eyes, train, etc.)
pts sat when sudden uncontrollable fading out (literally, not way peple use it), at end sitting around table feeling a little tired j. says “Wow, you look raggedy.” R,siad “Yeah.” I said, “Yeah, I’m tired. Think I’ll go.”
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sweatocious!
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lend s. $200!
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round 4am? max came through for me, gave last two for $10, owed him $10, then…
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started nums didn’t finish:
fri: +4 on block
sat: +6 max del
sat 2p:+8 max del
Who smokes out then goes baby shopping? Me. Who takes bags and pipes in which him to way upscale boutique to touch mink blankets and rare wool new born sweaters? Me. Who walks through prospect park sneaking a couple tokes off crack pipe when coast clear enough? Me. And on side walk toward M&J’s? Me. That’s whol.
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bits o’ infor fr. max:
people typicaly buying 8, 6
several cop from same guy & coord. that so go together at same time.
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the speck game finally strikes it big: dime!
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sense of game show
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sense of ghost
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really diggin sage francis
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[[[worked on this post exactly 5 hours now (- some emails to pr.) and it’s only rough:::how much more and how much total when done?writing take s time, sonny.]]]
Posted by peligrito at June 11, 2005 9:52 PM
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