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June 25, 2005
lasstie, here boy
feel an obligation to write this, but don’t feel like it, a lot to write, not a lot of energy, or motivation, let alone inspiration, or non-encumbered respiration. bird by rock dove.
+6, Rich Wed night
+6, Rich, Fri
+4, Max
+4, Max
.snails & slugs where i sit on the retaining wall
.same guy who gave me talking to on way to m.’s gig in the city picked me up. he called a few things right. You maintainin, $50 a night?, smoke in bathroom at work?, they know by now, you don’t look like you smokin, you smiling, look like a weed high
.waste night away on little stuff, looked at a lot of porn —so much of that crap is crap—cleaned out computer deeperly (cache, old user files, tmp, etc.) , a lot of time upgrading my wireless card driver cause of problems, call max at 4, he’s done, offers to do osmething be fore work, 10:30?, 9:30, a remark,but that’s too late,putter, set alarm for 8:17a—lasatest I figure I can get up ang get to work on time. careful.
.closeeyese and next moment I turn head to look at phone for itme 1:10!
.unbelief, panic, sinking, ohall the worst worst feelings yet, what do i do, what do i do…. never use again to start, that’s it
.no way i was going in that late, no waysleep through alarm/didn’t go off aggain, no way, not going in, not dealing, sleeping more, could think of better plan iwth more time less pressure, calls from office & who knows came in to ignore.
. s. comes home & likethe jackass he is comes in room makes comment or question aout me sleeping, and tries to carriy on conversation, then whoops it up, yessll on phone
. i sleep iwth little interuption through to morning: a full 24 hours of lseep in end, and still do tired, any conscious moments are thinking up plausible excuses, aren’t any or decent
. i settle on this stupidity, this trap ultimately: go in to hospital for sudden severe dizziness, they ant to keepp or observation, do tests, my phone doesn’t get reception there, ask receptionist to leave msg for office, you didn’t get it? sympthathy etc.
.sent email before with thatmuch in case others are there when arrive, ubt make sure to leave earlyish, only j. bb. when arrive, so Italk, he not connecting dots with other stuff, so i do that, we talk frankly, i give him that symp, sucks for you—you need dependable person—sucks for me.
.can’t say he’s stoked on the world, but it’s seems to work, he’s not hating me fully, working iwth, giving leeway & even compliments about work imporving
.after 24 hrs. sleep, i’m still drag-assed all morning, bunch go to shake shack for lunch I go and then decide I can’t stand in line that long. literally. physically. lack of strength & energy. go to deli for capicola & brie sandwich. not so good.
.somewhere along way i make surprising decision to have just one more. swan song. say goodbye. & write it down.
.after work go to mailbox. flirt with cute affie girl. get lots of great stuff!::::writMaches book, Cr.Wars book, daily word, fam. ren invite (w/inv.to teach writing hist/journ class—think will do), misc, plus big box from prairie w/ big cool pillow for butt, mix cd, painting by her autistic charge, amnesia anthology, cool little moleskin notebks, her fictions to share (layed out in book style), what else? v. cool.
.drop off, get cash, meet rich. he comes out with his daughter, cute as hell. about 2 i guess, she’sthere with us for everything, not that she knew anything, not that it will affect her but something to think about, she pointed to red lights hanging in tree nearby, look!
.argue with cabbie when get back out at house. such a dick he was, trying to charge me 10 dollars when I told him I take the trip everyday for 7or8 he called me liar.
. I burn through all 60 worth in one hour (not counting the res).
.it doesn’t do much. i fart around again on web & etc.
.more tedious html tweeaks on this (part. because they change their output & added bullshit codes that fucked my shit up.
.have burnred through other 8 just now (8am) & just not high. was thinking stuff was not good, but rich’s in there, and for this long?, i think it’s exhaustion anad tolerance.
.sohobbling through this goodbye post.
Posted by peligrito at June 25, 2005 7:53 AM
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