The Propagation

« current rates and competing efficacy/control | Main | re treat self to road trip to the island-not-island »

July 7, 2005

Joans of Newark

[It is a very unfortunate irony of the project that the times and things that are most relevant, revelatory, interesting, et al, are those most likely lost to forgetting, recovery, shame, and its et al. Such is the case here. The last 2-3 days contained the unprecedented, new extremes, new ances, and theads/sagas picked up again and carried on. Much of it is already lost, and unfortunately, I don’t have the time, energy, interest, or proper priority for this item on tonight’s to-do list to fill in everything that’s left right now. I’m going to take basic notes and hope to come back. But I know two things: I never come back, and “basic” almost always turns into much more. Let’s see now how it works.]

Pluses Remembered, working back:
+5 evening Thurs, 7 July, Max
+2 late morning (8:30-9ish?) Wed, 6 July, w/ crazy tall white girl, “comin’ 7 years”, bitchin about when have money all over you but fuckers blah blah niggers won’t help you out otherwise, agreed to take me part way home but friend paranoid of everything and then me, bought from short Latino from hassle a bit back, already forgot name again
+4 6:30???, sent host friend, forgot name already
+5 5ish???, with host friend on block
+4 4ish?, on block, afterwhich hoster enters (below)
+6? 11ish, Tues 5 July, on block (maaaybe four, but probably not)

Outline of Notable Events, working back forward again [(back forward?)]:
Tues 5 July
- smoke til go to work, in shit-shit shape, make good re-use of the dizzy spell, have four (4!) still possessive of productive residue pipes in pocket all day, slow morn, about to beg off to go home sick round 2:30, get client call, wants status, gets pissed over small trivial thing more boss’s fault than mine, also wants stuff done, I’m bugged and have to work until 9:30-10, pipes come out on desk afterhours
- doing my compu thing but waves of exhuation, sleep typing, lost 3hr email to Prayery, then she mails with news of drowning of friend’s baby, v. upset, I have to get outside, go to bar, wait for P’s call (at invite), no call, not liking bar, bail to buy
- trafficker (I think they’re called) is walking around block, working to bring customers, every four people (or four dimes bought) gets him one free, he walks ahead, loooks back, doesn’t know me, pretends to hand me over near block, after, away, asks if have place to smoke, he and his lady could host, he’s age and nice demeanor of old FG old sometime smoke pals, I’m into company for change,
- on other side of pkwy where has been hostile couple times, woman is cool, security for a high school, he put on porno, she gets old stems from envelop in drawer, they call them stems like the FG folks, must be older crowd lingo (he is 50, she about same), also use “minty” like rock & them do to mean old stanky pipe
- they want me to get it on and I’m not sure. in mean time he bugs her being kinda igant, nothing is working for me, so I start shelling out for more, second time he goes by self and I’m ready and she and I go (which he wanted and expected, don’t worry), fun but dangerous, but she seemed clean. Oh! had ass for stomach! She was biggish and stomach had a crack (so to speak)! heh.
- stay too late esp. knowing had to meet sister and two sons at aiport to hang during 3 hr. layover, want last chill bit at home against judgment and, really, need. ritty asks how much, I only want a couple but only have 20 anyway, he says no, just curious. sends me to “pacer’s” down block, don’t see him, circle ‘round and ask as turn corner where tall white woman yelling on phone, I hear someone say “yo get her off the phone,” ritty tells me to go to pacer’s house, where?, you know where he lives, no i don’t, and I keep going. I might know where he lived if I knew everybody’s name and remembered them. woman comes up behind and calls a couple times before I know she means me, asks for pacer’s, says they told her i knew, then launches into vitriol about how they won’t help if you don’t have enough money. sure. part of it. she been coming 7 years. we notice the chaparro (one who asked if I was cop, who I asked if he from around here, but then later said hello to) come out door, she calls, we hook up, me & chap friendly and exchange names, in process he swabbing rubbing alcohol on hand and arm but I didn’t see needle tracks and tattoo nearby but not everywhere he swabbed. also I make convo, chick is goin’ off still, says something in whisper about dirty lazy niggers or something. lame. so lame. she buying drugs, they working. fuck that. and that she had to get her zanax (xanax?) today etc. and friend in car she paid to come over is super paranoid. I ask if maybe could ride the part way back to my place. she into it. but he says “we’re taking the subway”, she and I both buy pipes and she explains but also gives me loc of hood place for pipes. so helpful. 3 blks away.
- home. so tired. want to sleep, hard not to sleep, need to sleep before sister meet, but want to play with this proj (color palette shift badly overdue) and other thises ‘n’ thatses. can’t pull away even as getting late. end up at airport way late.
- by then the exhaustion at point that standing, moving, shaking out, concetrating, etc. none of it helps and I’m falling asleep (so close to missing two train stops on way: subway and commuter train!) and I’m not super coherent verbally. sis clearly concerned but assumes it’s bug from tropics I brought back. i pants the youngest but he don’t think its funny. I think sis lets me off early but maybe it’s time for security check. I’m woozy at this point, she has bad look. I’m woken at end of line.
- grab food, eat in bed, fall asleep shortly into it around 6:45p?
- Thurs, work. while day off, minor pt from client status came back to boss as well as a proj that’s been fuckied but not by me I swear you (not to say I couldn’t have done better but I didn’t originate probs, took steps to ameliorate, and they continued to be diff for many reasons so they complain). talk with boss and other guy on project to plan next steps but included some shouldas, I’m frustrated and pissed, but, OH!, I sent big tons of stuff tues night, much of it expected by clients in the proj, went to bathroom, came back & shut down machine but due to attachments (I assume), it didn’t finish going out, but I didn’t think to check it, not sure most would, (though I will now), and I shut down. then took day off. then came in today, turned on and it went out behind the scenes. so fuck! that adds to the bad. normally understandable but imagine all the things stacking up coincidentally: 1. I’m already on probation, 2. project is a bit of shambles through very little fault of my own, 3. email has to go out, has attachments, still not done after quick piss, 4. take the next day off, 5. main point of contact already pissy over super trivial thing (my not knowing status of small bit project that I never knew much about and that boss guy was handling himself and NOT informing me off on an IMPROMPTU status call in which we discuss like 12 other things going on, 80% much more important). damn collusion.?…, so I’m frustrated, talk to another stake holder in germany (not about issue but moving forward normal info stuff) and find out basic deliverables planned not what wanted (they want much LESS), and this is after he and others approved SOW specifying deliverables! besides those deliverables added to project based on emails, etc.! so I’m irritated! I put things in clearly in most important doc, they give verbal over it, wrriten approval, and signing was okayed and just in queue—so they didn’t read it, it’s my fault proj communication is bad (one of major issues was their simply not responding to my repeated requests for info, so I moved ahead on best gueses anyway since they were very worried about time, making major euro financial conference with print collateral. Look, lots of crazy shit on their part and they and my people look at me? I start to compile all this evidence but stop realizing it’s stupid and tedious and instead, briefly verbally point out sow thing to boss. he has bad look on face “weird…It’s never happened to us before…” clear implication that it’s still me! So then I talk to other partner who brought me in and outlined that and larger issues and said was partly of mind to quit but want to suceed, etc. (oh, didn’t mention here that I did think a lot about it and almost just gave notice then and there but didn’t want to act to hasty) so want to know if they want somebody else, we should do that, that I would be happy to leave, etc. she said, I think they do want somebody else (she has defended me, but not totally because clearly my sickness and tardiness and such has been a problem that needs to be dealt with etc. she’s told me that things need to be changed, and has been pissed at times, but overall seen bigger fairer picture than these myopic, sometimes hypocritical, some-of-them assholes) & that boss was thinking/about to suggest/ask that I take medical leave. So I go and craft what she later called incredibly elogquent email addressing greivances while aknowledging my own faults and suggest reeval and saying i’m happy to leave today or whenever we find replacement and transition. so boss and I talk in park. he’s pretty cool and I keep more level headed and articulate than normal in such situs, but he doesn’t acknowledge or cede some basic points (doesn’t disagree either, just harps again on how sometimes I’m great and he feels good and other times he doesn’t have confidence, so consistency, but in his mind there was a month of good work. In my mind, I”ve had good days maybe even relatively good week, but always back and forth. weird.) anyway, he proposes half proj mangr, half developer, which I’m not sure about, but accept because don’t want to leave this with bad taste, or bad terms, nor do I have any desire to do another job search, plus need money, & can’t even afford brief lapse in pay. and it might be good. partners discuss and the one worst (to everybody but esp. to me) same one who slammed down phone on client call I was leading (due to client, not me) so is hypocrit, he reluctant, maybe other one too, this briefly & vaguely from the one that is friend & I didn’t want to pry. But also, I’m not sure. now thinking I’ll suggest freelance dev role instead.

Look, I did go beyond basics. But good. Not too late. Have to move on down to do list.

Posted by peligrito at July 7, 2005 9:43 PM

Trackback Pings

TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://atribology.net/mt/mt-tb.cgi/8

Comments

Post a comment