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May 21, 2005
back to here
+4
Always interesting to me when (some-)thing/s so opposite [they’re] (almost) the same. E.g. found in how I wanted to begin this post: “Funny [(and/)/or whatever word means not at all funny] how earlier, before start of night night, I was going to post about how this is classic (for me) time (when gone good &straight for couple-3 days, have weekend ((esp. beginning/Friday)), need to catch up with writing or tasks/project related to important focus, etc.) for backsliding. And how almost wanted/would write that it’s all lost (though wasn’t yet at that point—& taking steps that were strong &unusual-to-unprecedented in small way to avoid—but knew probable outcome based on pattern). —so much of this is cliche/old hat, but cliches can repeat/play out to/in new levels of intensity— Felt secure because of new (again, again) low, newly threatening low (job), & neglect of other importances, + gen./extreme tiredness (phys &meta4ically), & because longest gone (&easiestly) without since this beginning/bout: Monday 7ish AM to Saturday 2ish Am = 4.75ish days clean which is longest in over two months (since Thursday March 18th—62ish days). . K, here I go getting Chief Long Windish again…so, quickerish: + other, newer (stronger) factor of feeling older, so not able/needing/liking as much to keep up, appropriateness, & ready/wanting/needing (saviorishly) to take up new lifestyle/stance of maturity/productivity/familiyty, etc. But then not only that feel more confident, also feel less black &white, less extreme, less crucial, more situational & dependent on amount, how, when, etc. e.g. so, classically, go from “never, ever again, no way, any way, no how” to “well, a little on weekend, occasionally, for right reasons, controlled, in moderation, okay—maybe even preferrable.”
Plus, oddly, after so much sleep all week (8+ hour bednights Mon-Thurs), tired today. Most all out of office, &despite new motivation to be worth pay, say job, etc. feeling unmotivated, sluggish, inefficient even when trying, but still stay past 6ish. & Just wanting to come home &go to bed. Did that. Nod off on train as ALWAYS do now from sleepless crack days through reform, sleep whole way even when not super tired. Walk in, &—here’s where I catch up to beginning—though wanting badly—&also having kind of post that this whole exercise/project set up for, the checking in, getting self-support, expressing to diffuse, etc.—to post & having plenty of time &enough (though not a lot) energy but lacking enough that I didn’t want to/do it—I just laid right down in bed with all clothes & jacket on, minus only shoes, to nap.
Was in love with LS, that red star, which is another story. Suffice nutshell chrono here/now: while still very w/ ex, found &admired design & location (CI), was going to gift to ex but didn’t somewhy, on list, checkin’ site occasionally, come back from N. at going-away shindig to G. &D./She comes, turns out friend of J., good convo, but coked, & leaving, 1 or 2 after emails, then back &today roller derby leads me back, she designs for, send ‘hello’, writes back enthusiastic reply w/ invites & j. said you’re back. Cute but not hot, but so respect tastes and strength and what does, &am desirous to in love based on little, & like fact that like looks but much more &always into aesthetic & business acumen &drive/initiative & who is from a far, separate, &believe that 1) that is what need to love/stay w/ woman (respect, respect, awe, etc.), plus, maybe 2) relationship like that (solid, demanding, interesting, place for me maybe somehow) could be type that will save (in sense not of outright jesusing, but giving new focus, direction, requiring, etc.). So thinking of going to see her at Burlesque Fest down street (love BKLYN) if/when rested.
But had all wrong. Buzzing of vibrating phone on mantel. Almost didn’t get it. Turns out R., & plans for roller derby not tomorrow as thought but tonight. Hafta get up &go.
Cool to be in Bronx.
Cool to be with R.
Cool to see rollerderby & live old school punk rock. V. nostalic.
Skates like beer goggles: make all ladies look lusciouser. Especially the so cute Rolletta Lynn. &Suzy Hot Rod, star jammer & leader/guitarist of Lady Unluck. Hot. (Then imag. working out again, perfect, respect, hot, &engaged not just drinking/drugging, but younger, wilder—not that have chance, but if did have opportunity, good for me or not? Puzzling.)
(Meantime, P. on mind: briefly—& acknowledgedly vague/mysteriously—odd, serendipitous/ub-conincidentalous,etc. result of flipuninvested cl ad for hang with strong, intelligent, independent latina. Ends up 1 response, G.-Am in G. working with unions, knows my peeps down there, cool, 28, sexy wild into trying strap-on fantasy action. finally get photo today. Thick as imagined, but pretty, unexpectedly indigenous features. Very. Cool also considering connection, &past attractions, & exoticness, but blow-away hot. Also to my joke responded with sharing okay. So, cool, satisfy some kink, some ethnic shit, no big—but won’t be here until Aug?)
So. Hit uptown on down after event, showing R. StoryCorps, &he’s into, agrees to do with me. Will make appt. after this. Hit Siberia, hit Bellevue, hit Sub-tonic, tired, anxious, want drugs more and more, make excuse, cab, call Max, msg., call other del guy nameless (immediate system msg not avail), redirect to CH, but don’t have money, walk past cop car open doors, four people on block—all—say “what’s up” but I need money, machine not working in stor (145 or so, would had to give card & pin but demand receipt to know not ripped off—sketchy), one guy like “My boy, don’t know me?” bookbag guy, goes with me to gas station, I get cash, we exchange, I livery back here. Anxious to catch-up (for her as much as anything) with P. Make this entry. Now do new Movable Type plat, see if can.
Disappointing, but fun. Taste already nostalgic. Should have seen me come in house. Beeline for pipes. Not even take off coat, nothing. Hit up & immediately, before exhaling, rigging up computer. Funny. Or not. Maybe opposite.
Posted by peligrito at May 21, 2005 2:38 AM
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