The Propagation

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June 13, 2005

At a loss, you could say

Don’t know even how to approach this post. Just got up off the bed where I passed a spell not one bit the long-awaited fall-into-a-downy-grave-of -a-1001-deaths. I was sweating mad profusely and panting a little.

See, how fucked up is it when you get, we”l where to start with the run up. Not too far back—okay. I was ((finally!!) starting to fall asleep and I wasn’t quit at the ready point yet, being in the middle of stuff. Well, and plus, I just got a couple dimes. Kind of felt bad about having Max come over for just twnety but it seemed convenient for him. I felt bad for my self as well. or as bad. or worse. And said as much. That I hoped it warth is coming out (that on the phone before hand) and that, well, it was kind of sad just hooking up for two, but that I really had to get some sleep. Couldn’t be going in after just a couple hourse—I down played it for me dealer! Sheesh.

And the thing is, this weekend needs documentation. Neeeds some posting about and I hadn’t got to it, partly for why this weekend needs posting about. Uhj. But I’ll get to that.

So the twenty was, more than ever, pretty pointedly meant to helfp facilitate that and it wasn’t working. Imagine. Fresh crack—I even dug out a (very) relatively clean pipe out of my trash heap—my weekend slog had my screens pretty clogged, building up with my laziness so, it was on top of clogged screenage and muddy glass walls, quite a Cajun catfish barbecue in it’s dying stages, there, the production of my cook out (in style). The short of it, even which a recyled works, it was nice. I don’t know what gets burned to what degree and mixes with what in which chemical reactions, but there is a wide range of odor that stage left and right, these wearing on increasingly putridly…

All this, and I’m nodding off the second I shake myself out and take a big deep breat, raise th eeeybrows to max head room and slog and carry on—or not. Imagine it. You take not just the one nice pull that used to do it, have you set for sometime (though this IS crack we’re talking about—the effects are notorisouly, pathetically shortlived)—you take a couple, reasonable load and drequency. And boom,the neck wobbles over. You’re a downed swan, a scavenged too-long ugly duckling. So I don’t hold back, I do it upright, and the flavor cystals shoot to my head like late in the eavening on the fourth of july. I get my dizzy on, And the waiting in the wings nausea all day kknocks a little lloude. Toed up ont he trhesh hold, threatening to throw should I not respect his/her authoritySo I liked down. Went prone.Sweat a bucket inunder t30 and was back here to get my mp3 id tags in line with my file names.

)))

Now I’m not “back here” as I (just) was there as it hit me that since I brought my laptop home from work this weekend to get stuf done (didn’t; part of what’sin store for you!) and to transvers some files quicker and easier, I set up a little wireless home network between the two, i was free to wonder whereever I please, in reason, of course, so I packed up quickly and brought the vaio down here to the stoop wher I am enjoying 77 degrees and little cool breezes (and a low lcd fto save batteries and night eyes!). so nice.

Andyway, I don’t know where I left off and don’t have the time, batteries (even without the bright big wide vaio flat planel), crack or baility probably tro do what I wa hell bent on doing: take thee rought jumpble drafts and bak a real post out of them, leaving aa at least slightloy more organized to do here. It’s past a quarter to three. Yes,a new week of wakefulweekx (sounds so deliberately calm and attuned to the earth, doesn’t it?)begins! I, more over the weeked than a dash off before bedtime, I wanted to begin a n outlines’/drafted kkkkkplan, objectives, etc. Yeah, actual lollateral for my stupid little project that I’m going to have a good hearty lagbu over wen this is all done.—make some real concrete progress rather just swimimming arou nd in yy head all the time wasping (allthe ) time.

I was excited about that , and other than the baby shwoer saturday night and maybe laundry sun, I had no palns, well, no social plans, becaue I had set awside this weekend to put a big fat dent in the stacker stuff, which I really needed to do. so I was torn between really giving the pro ventring’s of my wahcked outed ness (which would need a chunk even to begin, I think) or work responsib iltyes. Welll, of couse, I try to go for a contraolled middel toward work work strategy.

Such a thing would obviously (in my mind) start with a bream—wind down and gear up—on friday night. .eavintg freshing energy and focus, and plenty of wide open time with which to being the worky worky.

Course it didn
‘t workl out the way. but even wose than not that way—-OH FUCKY PUCKY! I’m just sitting here looking this way and that as I type because, hey, I can do that, and it’s nice out and interesting, but somewhere a long the way, my left hand fell off home row as they say (but inot one these mo fos!) and my palm swped and/oor smudvged the touch pad and man I get my hibernating ass up in the title b ar typig away until I leave. fuck.. Sorr for all that.

K, anyway, I don’t know where I was with all that but the long and shor t of it si that i SPENT AN entire weekend—the whole fucking thing—I didn’t een brush my teeth (let a long eat or drink anything, or shower, or get dreass ed or answer the phone or do a damn basilly thing, excdept hunch over my liittle opposite of ergonomic keyboard and, well lack of…set up, to the point fo fucking paint! for what? a nice looking c chrome around my widows, dont treatments for the menues, thopse extra touches, which is all great,, but how trivial, and how so completley welll did that little nothing of a nothingness, absorb the time available to it? it’s weird. I contented doing it. It was ocd but didn’t feel liek a thing I had to do. II do like to finshing things once started. band I did keep yelling at myself, but I was trudging forward, getting it out of the way. What a fuck
1

Shit, fine, knowck hourself out with tediuym, right, if that’s yhour thing, your fetish or what ever, but not when you have so mucyour ciurrent existence revolves around somethng else that is so much ore importaqnt, necessary, interesting, fun, and abundant? let it go, to get your data cleaned up nice.—that’s the thing, is a did more than the desktop, I went thorughb every program to uninstall it and it’s component f it it was unow ususeless or whatever.. And my 30 gig hard drive was currently up to 27, whichnot only makes thjings run slower, band now have room for thigs, but also it’s dancer. Makes windows more junstable;. Or, at least I think that; Probably talkng about my ass again. but then pretty much everytnhing makes windows unstable. it.s unstable to begin with.

Posted by peligrito at June 13, 2005 1:10 AM

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